I've heard this question a million different times every since the day our daughter was born and died.
"How are you doing?"
"Are you doing okay?"
How do you answer these questions? It depends on the that exact moment. Sometimes I want to answer honestly and say, "Completely horrible. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was upset that I actually opened my eyes today." Other times, "I'm doing all right. Right now is a good moment."
I wish people wouldn't ask this question. You always learn how you want to act in a situation when you go through that situation. I always used to think that a just hugging a person who lost a loved one was okay; it wouldn't upset them and would let them know I was thinking of them. Being that person right now, I know that hugs are what upset me the most. I can be in charge of my emotions, doing well, and then BAM! Someone wants to hug me and it brings all those emotions bubbling to the surface and I feel like falling to the floor and sobbing my heart out.
I know people are asking questions and hugging me because they want me to know that they care. However, those hugs and questions are what keep me from moving on. I know I'll never forget my daughter. It's something I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. But, I can move on to what my life is now if everyone will let me start patching my heart back to a state of semi-normal-ness.
Thanks for reading my story. I remember feeling this same way you do and it resulted to me just not wanting to be around anyone so that I would not have to relive what I went through. I can't even imagine having to deliver. The next 3 months before you can try again... will probably be tough... it was for me. I also felt robbed of my first 'motherhood' experience. When we got pregnant the second time it was more of a fearful feeling of the same thing happening instead of an excited feeling that most couples get to experience. Prayers and good wishes coming your way. -Amy
ReplyDelete