Moving on

Last night, I started to get a familiar feeling. It was a dull, achy feeling that started in my lower stomach and back. I knew when I woke up in the morning, I would be greeted by an old friend that hasn't necessarily been welcome in the past. Yes, it was my period. I never thought that I would be one to blog about my cycles, but here I am.

So, I started this morning. While it brings with it a sense of relief, it hit me so hard I didn't see it coming. I cried myself to sleep last night. I laid in bed for several hours, unable to sleep. I finally got up and read a book, then fell asleep for a few hours.

I was anxiously awaiting the start of a new cycle. I wanted to be able to move on to our new future; we get this first cycle out of the way, then wait two more, and finally can start trying again. While I met this arrival with tears and despair, I've now calmed down and I turn to the new countdown we've started...1 cycle down, 2 more to go, then BABY.

How are you doing?

I've heard this question a million different times every since the day our daughter was born and died.

"How are you doing?"

 "Are you doing okay?"

How do you answer these questions? It depends on the that exact moment. Sometimes I want to answer honestly and say, "Completely horrible. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was upset that I actually opened my eyes today." Other times, "I'm doing all right. Right now is a good moment."

I wish people wouldn't ask this question. You always learn how you want to act in a situation when you go through that situation. I always used to think that a just hugging  a person who lost a loved one was okay; it wouldn't upset them and would let them know I was thinking of them. Being that person right now, I know that hugs are what upset me the most. I can be in charge of my emotions, doing well, and then BAM! Someone wants to hug me and it brings all those emotions bubbling to the surface and I feel like falling to the floor and sobbing my heart out.

I know people are asking questions and hugging me because they want me to know that they care. However, those hugs and questions are what keep me from moving on. I know I'll never forget my daughter. It's something I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. But, I can move on to what my life is now if everyone will let me start patching my heart back to a state of semi-normal-ness.

Motherhood

I began my journey into motherhood on November 30, 2011. I remember testing, not really believing that anything would show up. Imagine my surprise when I got not one, but four positive pregnancy tests. Our excitement was contagious as the news spread throughout our family. We never dreamed of keeping the news a secret. We wanted everyone to know.

We were due August 12, 2012. We delivered our little girl on March 29, 2012 at 20 weeks. She did not survive. Our experience as parents began in a way that no one wants to experience, but it is an experience that is helping us grow as a couple and as a family. Tag along with me as I recount stories of my view of motherhood, our brave adventure into trying again, and our everyday life.