Soooooooo.........
I totally fell off the wagon. Disappeared. Vanished.
I'm not really sure why. I was busy this summer, working in my classroom, but that's not an excuse.
A lot has happened. I started a 'new' job as a classroom teacher. Our due date came and went without a baby. We still are trying and patiently (or at least trying to be patient) waiting for God to bless us with another baby.
It's been hard and I definitely regressed, in terms of the stages of grief. I was angry. Everything bothered me. People were being stupid. But, we got through it. Once I acknowledged what I was feeling and realized it, I let the anger go. Holding on to it wasn't going to change anything.
People say things happen for a reason. I do believe that God has a plan for each of us. Part of our plan involved one of the worst things parents can go through. Yet, I do know that there has been some good. Because I was not at home on maternity leave, I was able to start in a new classroom position.
I love it.
It's wonderful. I have an amazing class and they are so very precious. I know that God knew what I would need this year after going through our devastating loss. There have been difficult times and I probably will have some more. But, I can't help thinking that God has more in store in for us.
I have been getting little messages from my baby girl. Each day we walk to lunch. Most of the time, I see a butterfly or two flying around, following us. I like to think that she is just popping in to say, "Hi!" and let us know that she is doing just fine.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
B is for Bug Bites
Right now I have chigger/red bug bites. They are driving me nuts. I can't stand bug bites. I was wearing one of the clip on bug fans, which worked great for mosquitos, but did not touch the chigger/red bugs.
I can't stop itching.
I can't stop itching.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
A is for Acceptance
I've seen people doing the alphabet posts where they take the letters of the alphabet and pick a word to represent the letter and write about it.
I've picked 'acceptance'. We've been dealing with a lot. I think we both handled our grief in completely different ways. I was calm and kept it together when we first found out we had no heartbeat. Once I was done crying, I knew we had to gather our stuff and head to the hospital. I had to stay strong for my husband and family. If I lost it, he would be lost. He was dealing with his own pain and the pain of seeing me suffer. After I delivered, he broke down. I couldn't move from the bed and he wouldn't come over. He just sat there crying in the chair. It.Broke.My.Heart. I couldn't do anything to help him. Once we went home, he was ok. He moved on and was doing all right. There are moments that still get him, but for the most part, he is doing well.
I did not do so well. I had a brave face when I went back to work, a brave face when I would run into someone who wanted to offer condolences, but it was all a joke. I was barely keeping my head above the water. I snapped at the littlest thing. I was angry. Oh, so very angry. I had a pregnant co-worker and I couldn't talk to her. I had a cousin that was pregnant and I couldn't talk to her. I was okay immediately after we miscarried and seemed so very brave, but that quickly faded into pure anger and I avoided them. I cried my self to sleep every.single.night. I knew something had to change, but I was too proud to admit that I needed something, anything.
It was the Book of Ruth and something Joel Osteen said that started to pull me out of my deep, deep pit of anger. I was watching t.v and the show I was watching ended and Joel Osteen's show came on. He was talking about the Book of Ruth and how we need to "sow a seed in our time of need". He was talking about how whenever we are having troubles in our lives, we need to pray and do for others. God will be there for the people who are taking care of others. Ruth loses her husband and is in a place where she doesn't know anyone. Her mother-in-law said that she could go on by herself, but Ruth stays with her and travels back to the mother-in-law's hometown. Once there, Ruth helped her mother-in-law and in turn, God rewarded her with Boaz.
For me, it was like a light bulb went off. I needed to get out of my head and stop focusing on me. My pain. My problems. I wasn't a fun person to be around. I was okay with my family and husband, but that was about all. I started to try and focus on others. I had a co-worker who didn't know how to talk to me, students that were confused by the fact that their teacher was pregnant and now she wasn't pregnant, and a cousin who had been on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy for about 2 months. I started talking to others. I made a point of being cheerful. Somewhere in all of this, I've come to accept the fact that we've lost our daughter and while it still sucks and it's so painful, I'm feeling a sense of peace with everything.
I went to meet my cousin's baby a few weeks ago. I wanted to chicken out before I got there, but I made it there. Turns out, my cousin needed me far more than I needed to meet her baby on my own. I thought I would be crying, upset, all of those emotions. But, it turned out, she needed to talk to another adult, another female, someone else who has been scared and not sure how to deal with it. I left and called my mom and said that I think it was more nerve-wracking for her and I was glad that I went there and could help her feel better.
All kinds of things have been going on and as my husband and I are getting ready to start trying again, I know that I needed to come to terms with everything that has transpired. It's something that I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. It won't go away, but what has changed is how I deal with it. I've accepted it and the peace that came with it was comforting.
I've picked 'acceptance'. We've been dealing with a lot. I think we both handled our grief in completely different ways. I was calm and kept it together when we first found out we had no heartbeat. Once I was done crying, I knew we had to gather our stuff and head to the hospital. I had to stay strong for my husband and family. If I lost it, he would be lost. He was dealing with his own pain and the pain of seeing me suffer. After I delivered, he broke down. I couldn't move from the bed and he wouldn't come over. He just sat there crying in the chair. It.Broke.My.Heart. I couldn't do anything to help him. Once we went home, he was ok. He moved on and was doing all right. There are moments that still get him, but for the most part, he is doing well.
I did not do so well. I had a brave face when I went back to work, a brave face when I would run into someone who wanted to offer condolences, but it was all a joke. I was barely keeping my head above the water. I snapped at the littlest thing. I was angry. Oh, so very angry. I had a pregnant co-worker and I couldn't talk to her. I had a cousin that was pregnant and I couldn't talk to her. I was okay immediately after we miscarried and seemed so very brave, but that quickly faded into pure anger and I avoided them. I cried my self to sleep every.single.night. I knew something had to change, but I was too proud to admit that I needed something, anything.
It was the Book of Ruth and something Joel Osteen said that started to pull me out of my deep, deep pit of anger. I was watching t.v and the show I was watching ended and Joel Osteen's show came on. He was talking about the Book of Ruth and how we need to "sow a seed in our time of need". He was talking about how whenever we are having troubles in our lives, we need to pray and do for others. God will be there for the people who are taking care of others. Ruth loses her husband and is in a place where she doesn't know anyone. Her mother-in-law said that she could go on by herself, but Ruth stays with her and travels back to the mother-in-law's hometown. Once there, Ruth helped her mother-in-law and in turn, God rewarded her with Boaz.
For me, it was like a light bulb went off. I needed to get out of my head and stop focusing on me. My pain. My problems. I wasn't a fun person to be around. I was okay with my family and husband, but that was about all. I started to try and focus on others. I had a co-worker who didn't know how to talk to me, students that were confused by the fact that their teacher was pregnant and now she wasn't pregnant, and a cousin who had been on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy for about 2 months. I started talking to others. I made a point of being cheerful. Somewhere in all of this, I've come to accept the fact that we've lost our daughter and while it still sucks and it's so painful, I'm feeling a sense of peace with everything.
I went to meet my cousin's baby a few weeks ago. I wanted to chicken out before I got there, but I made it there. Turns out, my cousin needed me far more than I needed to meet her baby on my own. I thought I would be crying, upset, all of those emotions. But, it turned out, she needed to talk to another adult, another female, someone else who has been scared and not sure how to deal with it. I left and called my mom and said that I think it was more nerve-wracking for her and I was glad that I went there and could help her feel better.
All kinds of things have been going on and as my husband and I are getting ready to start trying again, I know that I needed to come to terms with everything that has transpired. It's something that I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. It won't go away, but what has changed is how I deal with it. I've accepted it and the peace that came with it was comforting.
Friday, June 1, 2012
What I'm enjoying.....
Earlier this year, I thought when school was out I would be working in our nursery, washing baby clothes, and propping my feet up because I would be about 7 1/2 months pregnant.
Well, that changed, but I'm trying to keep myself positive about our current situation.
I thouhght I would make a list of the things that I'm enjoying right now while I'm not pregnant.
Well, that changed, but I'm trying to keep myself positive about our current situation.
I thouhght I would make a list of the things that I'm enjoying right now while I'm not pregnant.
- Margaritas--I'm enjoying the hot temperatures with cool margaritas. I don't know if they have always been this great, but they have been amazing lately.
- Jimmy John's--I don't know if you have this chain if your areas, but I'm loving me some Jimmy John's. It's just a sandwich shop, but I can't get enough of them. The sandwiches are not heated, so I don't know if I'll eat them when I'm pregnant, but right now I'm not, so I'm going to keep enjoying them!
- Eating out--I know that we can eat out whenever we have kids or are pregnant, but right now I'm just enjoying that I'm not worried about saving extra money and I love going to any restaurant without worrying about cravings.
- Going anywhere--I'm enjoying the fact that I can go anywhere, anytime without worrying about anything. I like that I can go to Sonic at 9 p.m. without having to load anyone up in the car or worried that they are asleep.
- Caffeine--I'm loving coffee and cokes. Every day. I know that cokes are not great to drink every day, but right now I don't care.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Cycle #2 = TTC
So, it's been one month since I last posted. I just started my first cycle post MC and now we are here at cycle #2. I went for a 6 week check-up 2 weeks ago and my doctor gave me the green light to start trying once we got our 2nd cycle. I'm so excited that we can start trying again, but I'm also terrified as hell. I know that what happened is not my fault. My doctor wants me to take a baby aspirin this next pregnancy. There is apparently some research that suggests that baby aspirin helps with fetal loss.
I was worried that I would be all consumed with TTC. Luckily, I have some distractions in my life that will help take the 'pressure' off. I am all consumed with moving to a 'new' job. I'm still a teacher, but I'm moving to a new grade. It's going to be a welcomed change and it's definitely occupying my mind right now.
I was worried that I would be all consumed with TTC. Luckily, I have some distractions in my life that will help take the 'pressure' off. I am all consumed with moving to a 'new' job. I'm still a teacher, but I'm moving to a new grade. It's going to be a welcomed change and it's definitely occupying my mind right now.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Moving on
Last night, I started to get a familiar feeling. It was a dull, achy feeling that started in my lower stomach and back. I knew when I woke up in the morning, I would be greeted by an old friend that hasn't necessarily been welcome in the past. Yes, it was my period. I never thought that I would be one to blog about my cycles, but here I am.
So, I started this morning. While it brings with it a sense of relief, it hit me so hard I didn't see it coming. I cried myself to sleep last night. I laid in bed for several hours, unable to sleep. I finally got up and read a book, then fell asleep for a few hours.
I was anxiously awaiting the start of a new cycle. I wanted to be able to move on to our new future; we get this first cycle out of the way, then wait two more, and finally can start trying again. While I met this arrival with tears and despair, I've now calmed down and I turn to the new countdown we've started...1 cycle down, 2 more to go, then BABY.
So, I started this morning. While it brings with it a sense of relief, it hit me so hard I didn't see it coming. I cried myself to sleep last night. I laid in bed for several hours, unable to sleep. I finally got up and read a book, then fell asleep for a few hours.
I was anxiously awaiting the start of a new cycle. I wanted to be able to move on to our new future; we get this first cycle out of the way, then wait two more, and finally can start trying again. While I met this arrival with tears and despair, I've now calmed down and I turn to the new countdown we've started...1 cycle down, 2 more to go, then BABY.
Monday, April 16, 2012
How are you doing?
I've heard this question a million different times every since the day our daughter was born and died.
"How are you doing?"
"Are you doing okay?"
How do you answer these questions? It depends on the that exact moment. Sometimes I want to answer honestly and say, "Completely horrible. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was upset that I actually opened my eyes today." Other times, "I'm doing all right. Right now is a good moment."
I wish people wouldn't ask this question. You always learn how you want to act in a situation when you go through that situation. I always used to think that a just hugging a person who lost a loved one was okay; it wouldn't upset them and would let them know I was thinking of them. Being that person right now, I know that hugs are what upset me the most. I can be in charge of my emotions, doing well, and then BAM! Someone wants to hug me and it brings all those emotions bubbling to the surface and I feel like falling to the floor and sobbing my heart out.
I know people are asking questions and hugging me because they want me to know that they care. However, those hugs and questions are what keep me from moving on. I know I'll never forget my daughter. It's something I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. But, I can move on to what my life is now if everyone will let me start patching my heart back to a state of semi-normal-ness.
"How are you doing?"
"Are you doing okay?"
How do you answer these questions? It depends on the that exact moment. Sometimes I want to answer honestly and say, "Completely horrible. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was upset that I actually opened my eyes today." Other times, "I'm doing all right. Right now is a good moment."
I wish people wouldn't ask this question. You always learn how you want to act in a situation when you go through that situation. I always used to think that a just hugging a person who lost a loved one was okay; it wouldn't upset them and would let them know I was thinking of them. Being that person right now, I know that hugs are what upset me the most. I can be in charge of my emotions, doing well, and then BAM! Someone wants to hug me and it brings all those emotions bubbling to the surface and I feel like falling to the floor and sobbing my heart out.
I know people are asking questions and hugging me because they want me to know that they care. However, those hugs and questions are what keep me from moving on. I know I'll never forget my daughter. It's something I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. But, I can move on to what my life is now if everyone will let me start patching my heart back to a state of semi-normal-ness.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Motherhood
I began my journey into motherhood on November 30, 2011. I remember testing, not really believing that anything would show up. Imagine my surprise when I got not one, but four positive pregnancy tests. Our excitement was contagious as the news spread throughout our family. We never dreamed of keeping the news a secret. We wanted everyone to know.
We were due August 12, 2012. We delivered our little girl on March 29, 2012 at 20 weeks. She did not survive. Our experience as parents began in a way that no one wants to experience, but it is an experience that is helping us grow as a couple and as a family. Tag along with me as I recount stories of my view of motherhood, our brave adventure into trying again, and our everyday life.
We were due August 12, 2012. We delivered our little girl on March 29, 2012 at 20 weeks. She did not survive. Our experience as parents began in a way that no one wants to experience, but it is an experience that is helping us grow as a couple and as a family. Tag along with me as I recount stories of my view of motherhood, our brave adventure into trying again, and our everyday life.
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