Right now I have chigger/red bug bites. They are driving me nuts. I can't stand bug bites. I was wearing one of the clip on bug fans, which worked great for mosquitos, but did not touch the chigger/red bugs.
I can't stop itching.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
A is for Acceptance
I've seen people doing the alphabet posts where they take the letters of the alphabet and pick a word to represent the letter and write about it.
I've picked 'acceptance'. We've been dealing with a lot. I think we both handled our grief in completely different ways. I was calm and kept it together when we first found out we had no heartbeat. Once I was done crying, I knew we had to gather our stuff and head to the hospital. I had to stay strong for my husband and family. If I lost it, he would be lost. He was dealing with his own pain and the pain of seeing me suffer. After I delivered, he broke down. I couldn't move from the bed and he wouldn't come over. He just sat there crying in the chair. It.Broke.My.Heart. I couldn't do anything to help him. Once we went home, he was ok. He moved on and was doing all right. There are moments that still get him, but for the most part, he is doing well.
I did not do so well. I had a brave face when I went back to work, a brave face when I would run into someone who wanted to offer condolences, but it was all a joke. I was barely keeping my head above the water. I snapped at the littlest thing. I was angry. Oh, so very angry. I had a pregnant co-worker and I couldn't talk to her. I had a cousin that was pregnant and I couldn't talk to her. I was okay immediately after we miscarried and seemed so very brave, but that quickly faded into pure anger and I avoided them. I cried my self to sleep every.single.night. I knew something had to change, but I was too proud to admit that I needed something, anything.
It was the Book of Ruth and something Joel Osteen said that started to pull me out of my deep, deep pit of anger. I was watching t.v and the show I was watching ended and Joel Osteen's show came on. He was talking about the Book of Ruth and how we need to "sow a seed in our time of need". He was talking about how whenever we are having troubles in our lives, we need to pray and do for others. God will be there for the people who are taking care of others. Ruth loses her husband and is in a place where she doesn't know anyone. Her mother-in-law said that she could go on by herself, but Ruth stays with her and travels back to the mother-in-law's hometown. Once there, Ruth helped her mother-in-law and in turn, God rewarded her with Boaz.
For me, it was like a light bulb went off. I needed to get out of my head and stop focusing on me. My pain. My problems. I wasn't a fun person to be around. I was okay with my family and husband, but that was about all. I started to try and focus on others. I had a co-worker who didn't know how to talk to me, students that were confused by the fact that their teacher was pregnant and now she wasn't pregnant, and a cousin who had been on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy for about 2 months. I started talking to others. I made a point of being cheerful. Somewhere in all of this, I've come to accept the fact that we've lost our daughter and while it still sucks and it's so painful, I'm feeling a sense of peace with everything.
I went to meet my cousin's baby a few weeks ago. I wanted to chicken out before I got there, but I made it there. Turns out, my cousin needed me far more than I needed to meet her baby on my own. I thought I would be crying, upset, all of those emotions. But, it turned out, she needed to talk to another adult, another female, someone else who has been scared and not sure how to deal with it. I left and called my mom and said that I think it was more nerve-wracking for her and I was glad that I went there and could help her feel better.
All kinds of things have been going on and as my husband and I are getting ready to start trying again, I know that I needed to come to terms with everything that has transpired. It's something that I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. It won't go away, but what has changed is how I deal with it. I've accepted it and the peace that came with it was comforting.
I've picked 'acceptance'. We've been dealing with a lot. I think we both handled our grief in completely different ways. I was calm and kept it together when we first found out we had no heartbeat. Once I was done crying, I knew we had to gather our stuff and head to the hospital. I had to stay strong for my husband and family. If I lost it, he would be lost. He was dealing with his own pain and the pain of seeing me suffer. After I delivered, he broke down. I couldn't move from the bed and he wouldn't come over. He just sat there crying in the chair. It.Broke.My.Heart. I couldn't do anything to help him. Once we went home, he was ok. He moved on and was doing all right. There are moments that still get him, but for the most part, he is doing well.
I did not do so well. I had a brave face when I went back to work, a brave face when I would run into someone who wanted to offer condolences, but it was all a joke. I was barely keeping my head above the water. I snapped at the littlest thing. I was angry. Oh, so very angry. I had a pregnant co-worker and I couldn't talk to her. I had a cousin that was pregnant and I couldn't talk to her. I was okay immediately after we miscarried and seemed so very brave, but that quickly faded into pure anger and I avoided them. I cried my self to sleep every.single.night. I knew something had to change, but I was too proud to admit that I needed something, anything.
It was the Book of Ruth and something Joel Osteen said that started to pull me out of my deep, deep pit of anger. I was watching t.v and the show I was watching ended and Joel Osteen's show came on. He was talking about the Book of Ruth and how we need to "sow a seed in our time of need". He was talking about how whenever we are having troubles in our lives, we need to pray and do for others. God will be there for the people who are taking care of others. Ruth loses her husband and is in a place where she doesn't know anyone. Her mother-in-law said that she could go on by herself, but Ruth stays with her and travels back to the mother-in-law's hometown. Once there, Ruth helped her mother-in-law and in turn, God rewarded her with Boaz.
For me, it was like a light bulb went off. I needed to get out of my head and stop focusing on me. My pain. My problems. I wasn't a fun person to be around. I was okay with my family and husband, but that was about all. I started to try and focus on others. I had a co-worker who didn't know how to talk to me, students that were confused by the fact that their teacher was pregnant and now she wasn't pregnant, and a cousin who had been on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy for about 2 months. I started talking to others. I made a point of being cheerful. Somewhere in all of this, I've come to accept the fact that we've lost our daughter and while it still sucks and it's so painful, I'm feeling a sense of peace with everything.
I went to meet my cousin's baby a few weeks ago. I wanted to chicken out before I got there, but I made it there. Turns out, my cousin needed me far more than I needed to meet her baby on my own. I thought I would be crying, upset, all of those emotions. But, it turned out, she needed to talk to another adult, another female, someone else who has been scared and not sure how to deal with it. I left and called my mom and said that I think it was more nerve-wracking for her and I was glad that I went there and could help her feel better.
All kinds of things have been going on and as my husband and I are getting ready to start trying again, I know that I needed to come to terms with everything that has transpired. It's something that I think about every.single.moment.of.the.day. It won't go away, but what has changed is how I deal with it. I've accepted it and the peace that came with it was comforting.
Friday, June 1, 2012
What I'm enjoying.....
Earlier this year, I thought when school was out I would be working in our nursery, washing baby clothes, and propping my feet up because I would be about 7 1/2 months pregnant.
Well, that changed, but I'm trying to keep myself positive about our current situation.
I thouhght I would make a list of the things that I'm enjoying right now while I'm not pregnant.
Well, that changed, but I'm trying to keep myself positive about our current situation.
I thouhght I would make a list of the things that I'm enjoying right now while I'm not pregnant.
- Margaritas--I'm enjoying the hot temperatures with cool margaritas. I don't know if they have always been this great, but they have been amazing lately.
- Jimmy John's--I don't know if you have this chain if your areas, but I'm loving me some Jimmy John's. It's just a sandwich shop, but I can't get enough of them. The sandwiches are not heated, so I don't know if I'll eat them when I'm pregnant, but right now I'm not, so I'm going to keep enjoying them!
- Eating out--I know that we can eat out whenever we have kids or are pregnant, but right now I'm just enjoying that I'm not worried about saving extra money and I love going to any restaurant without worrying about cravings.
- Going anywhere--I'm enjoying the fact that I can go anywhere, anytime without worrying about anything. I like that I can go to Sonic at 9 p.m. without having to load anyone up in the car or worried that they are asleep.
- Caffeine--I'm loving coffee and cokes. Every day. I know that cokes are not great to drink every day, but right now I don't care.
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